AndyC
Donor
It had been a few short weeks since the 2010 General Election and the Labour unity and common purpose had lasted for – oh – several days, at least. Ed Milliband ran his hand through his hair and sighed. He caught his brother’s gaze. David was rolling his eyes. Most of the rest of the Cabinet were looking bored, embarrassed or simply zoned out. The argument between Ed Balls and Gordon Brown had stretched into a second hour with no sign of any relenting.
Gus O’Donnell finally broke into the back-and-forth during an uncharacteristic hesitation by Gordon.
“Gentlemen – do we not think that the subject matter deserves fuller and more detailed consideration?”
What the HELL was he doing? Surely the Cabinet Secretary was supposed to defuse the argument and get them back on track! David looked as nonplussed as Ed felt.
There was a brief pause, before both Balls and Brown tried to speak at once. A glare from Brown quelled Balls, who subsided reluctantly.
“Gus – what the fuck did you THINK we were doing? Talking about the weather?”
O’Donnell raised an eyebrow urbanely. Almost uniquely, he had the ability to quell one of Brown’s snarls before it got real traction. Brown paused.
“Sorry, Gus. Didn’t mean to snap at you. Your point was …?”
“It was, Prime Minister, that you and the Chancellor obviously have a lot of information to weigh up and analyse as you find the best balance to your views. Do you not think that the situation would benefit from the two of you, with your respective staffs, of course, adjourning after Cabinet to a location where you could call up the references you both desire and repeatedly keep citing, in a position from which you could endeavour to chart a satisfactory route between the perils which both of you respectively see as greatest, and come to safe harbour in a mutually satisfactory haven where both priorities are satisfied to the best possible common level?”
There was another brief pause, this time broken by Balls.
“You mean: shut up and discuss this afterwards?”
“Chancellor, I simply mean that it would be far easier and more convenient for yourselves, and the rest of Cabinet could get on with their respective contributions to our agenda”, said O’Donnell.
Balls looked rebellious, but Brown stepped in. “Yeah, you’re right, Gus. We’ve bored the crap out of everyone else here”.
“But the rest of Cabinet are intimately involved with the outcome! If we do shift money into capital spending, we’ve got to cut current spending to have any credibility. If we don’t, then the recovery will be slow …”
Brown cut him off “… and the entire point of us being in power right now is to prevent the sodding Tories from slashing current spending! So we have to follow through on the Budget proposals – proposals which Alistair quite properly discussed with me in depth – to defer capital spending!”
Ed sighed. They were off again. So near, but yet so far.
A sudden movement caught his eye – his brother had pulled out his mobile phone and was looking at it in surprise. Gradually, a smile crossed David’s face and he piped up: “Um, guys? You’ve got to hear this!”
“… but the fiscal multiplier is most pronounced …” Balls was cut off. Brown had raised his hand for silence, looking irked. “What now, David?”, asked Brown.
“It’s about David Laws”, replied David.
“What about bloody Laws?”
“He’s been seriously screwed. Looks like he was being outright illegal with his expenses. He’s about to make a public statement”, said David.
“What? Why?”, asked Brown.
“The Daily Telegraph has some kind of splash on him. Hang on …” David scrolled to the next message. “Right. He was paying his lover rent to buy houses from his Parliamentary expenses”
“But Laws is gay!” protested Burnham. “Isn’t he? I thought there was a really strong rumour, and I was told ...”
“Yup”, said David with a smile. “Mandy’s got all the juicy gossip on this. So he was trying to keep things quiet from the press and now he’s totally screwed. Might even have to take the Hundreds”
“Oh, what a shame!” said Balls, insincerely.
“Terrible”, agreed Brown, with a smirk. “Couldn’t happen to a nicer man”.
Ed Milliband later noted in his diary:
After that, of course, not much of note got covered. Schadenfreude was the theme of the day. David Laws epitomised the wing of the Liberal Democrats that seemed closest to the Tories, and nearly everyone was grateful for the excuse it provided for us to dodge our own worries. One thing that stood out to me, though: why did Mandelson text David and not Gordon or Ed Balls?
Gus O’Donnell finally broke into the back-and-forth during an uncharacteristic hesitation by Gordon.
“Gentlemen – do we not think that the subject matter deserves fuller and more detailed consideration?”
What the HELL was he doing? Surely the Cabinet Secretary was supposed to defuse the argument and get them back on track! David looked as nonplussed as Ed felt.
There was a brief pause, before both Balls and Brown tried to speak at once. A glare from Brown quelled Balls, who subsided reluctantly.
“Gus – what the fuck did you THINK we were doing? Talking about the weather?”
O’Donnell raised an eyebrow urbanely. Almost uniquely, he had the ability to quell one of Brown’s snarls before it got real traction. Brown paused.
“Sorry, Gus. Didn’t mean to snap at you. Your point was …?”
“It was, Prime Minister, that you and the Chancellor obviously have a lot of information to weigh up and analyse as you find the best balance to your views. Do you not think that the situation would benefit from the two of you, with your respective staffs, of course, adjourning after Cabinet to a location where you could call up the references you both desire and repeatedly keep citing, in a position from which you could endeavour to chart a satisfactory route between the perils which both of you respectively see as greatest, and come to safe harbour in a mutually satisfactory haven where both priorities are satisfied to the best possible common level?”
There was another brief pause, this time broken by Balls.
“You mean: shut up and discuss this afterwards?”
“Chancellor, I simply mean that it would be far easier and more convenient for yourselves, and the rest of Cabinet could get on with their respective contributions to our agenda”, said O’Donnell.
Balls looked rebellious, but Brown stepped in. “Yeah, you’re right, Gus. We’ve bored the crap out of everyone else here”.
“But the rest of Cabinet are intimately involved with the outcome! If we do shift money into capital spending, we’ve got to cut current spending to have any credibility. If we don’t, then the recovery will be slow …”
Brown cut him off “… and the entire point of us being in power right now is to prevent the sodding Tories from slashing current spending! So we have to follow through on the Budget proposals – proposals which Alistair quite properly discussed with me in depth – to defer capital spending!”
Ed sighed. They were off again. So near, but yet so far.
A sudden movement caught his eye – his brother had pulled out his mobile phone and was looking at it in surprise. Gradually, a smile crossed David’s face and he piped up: “Um, guys? You’ve got to hear this!”
“… but the fiscal multiplier is most pronounced …” Balls was cut off. Brown had raised his hand for silence, looking irked. “What now, David?”, asked Brown.
“It’s about David Laws”, replied David.
“What about bloody Laws?”
“He’s been seriously screwed. Looks like he was being outright illegal with his expenses. He’s about to make a public statement”, said David.
“What? Why?”, asked Brown.
“The Daily Telegraph has some kind of splash on him. Hang on …” David scrolled to the next message. “Right. He was paying his lover rent to buy houses from his Parliamentary expenses”
“But Laws is gay!” protested Burnham. “Isn’t he? I thought there was a really strong rumour, and I was told ...”
“Yup”, said David with a smile. “Mandy’s got all the juicy gossip on this. So he was trying to keep things quiet from the press and now he’s totally screwed. Might even have to take the Hundreds”
“Oh, what a shame!” said Balls, insincerely.
“Terrible”, agreed Brown, with a smirk. “Couldn’t happen to a nicer man”.
Ed Milliband later noted in his diary:
After that, of course, not much of note got covered. Schadenfreude was the theme of the day. David Laws epitomised the wing of the Liberal Democrats that seemed closest to the Tories, and nearly everyone was grateful for the excuse it provided for us to dodge our own worries. One thing that stood out to me, though: why did Mandelson text David and not Gordon or Ed Balls?
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